


tell me i'm alive

by katebishoop



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post Season 2, Reunite fic, Title from Believe by Mumford & Sons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 02:50:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4287936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishoop/pseuds/katebishoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Bellamy had been expecting when visiting the Water Tribe to talk trade was Clarke. </p><p>Or, in which Bellamy confronts Clarke for her decision to leave. Post Season 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tell me i'm alive

“I don’t know if I can believe you,” he finally manages to say.

The last time he had seen Clarke she was dressed in all black and had tears brimming in her eyes. Now she was dressed in lighter colors, the colors of the Water Tribe. There weren’t any cuts or bruises on her face; she looked healthy and _happy_. He should be glad, he really should, but all he feels is bitter.

“Bellamy-”

“No,” he shakes his head and takes a step back, away from her, the exact opposite of what he had been wanting to do for the past three months.

And in those three long months his heart longed for her. His co-leader. His friend. His best friend. He had kept his promise to her: _“Take care of them for me.”_ He had provided direction and support. He held Harper when she woke up from nightmares, he made sure her work assignment wasn’t anywhere near the med bay or anything that sounded like a drill. He did subtle, sneaky things for Jasper because when Jasper was awake he didn’t want anything to do with anymore, so Bellamy would do things like set new clothes on his bed in the night or carry him back to his tent when he was passed out drunk. He became an even closer friend to Monty - who needed someone to replace the hole left by Jasper. He took care of them all. Their pain, alone on his shoulders.

It wasn’t supposed to be that way though. They were supposed to have been in this together. They pulled the lever together. _Together._

 _“You don’t have to do this alone,” he had plead, hoping she’d catch the double meaning in his words:_ “I don’t want to do this alone.”

_“I bear it so they don’t have to,” was all she had responded with._

He didn’t like it, he wished she had stayed, and while he understood why she had to leave he was still upset about it. Those first two weeks had been the worst. Jasper lashing out at everyone; multiple people waking up screaming. In those moments he had wished that he had followed her into the forest. That feeling was as quick to fade as blowing out a candle though - he had a responsibility to put these kids back together. He wasn’t going to abandon them.

Like she had.

“You’re trying to tell me that it still hurts you?” He hadn’t realized just how much he resented her until he saw her again.

Back at Camp Jaha, even after scavenging through Mount Weather, they realized they still didn’t have everything they’d need to get through winter. No one wanted to take refuge in the Mountain or have any more dealings with Lexa’s Grounders, so Lincoln had suggested they head East to talk with Luna’s Water Tribe, which he had assured were a friendly, pacifistic people. So Bellamy, Lincoln, Octavia, and the Millers had headed out. A few days later around sunset they had run into a fishing party and were escorted back to their camp. Of all the things Bellamy had been expecting to find, the last thing had been Clarke. But there she was: smiling and dancing around the fire like she didn’t have a care in the world.

How could he believe her then that she was still broken when she didn’t act like it? She had made a home for herself here. She had new friends. She was their healer in this camp that’s only worries were the sea serpents in the rivers.

“You said that you’d ‘bear it so we don’t have to,’ those were _your_ words,” he snarled, “But bear _what_ exactly? Here you are making a new life while you left the rest of us with shattered ones. You leaving us didn’t make it easier - you abandoned them when they needed you the most. They _still_ need you-”

_“Bellamy-”_

_“I needed you, Clarke!”_ Anger erupts from him like a volcano, “You asked me to stay, after that fight with Dax. You said you needed me and that was enough so I _stayed_. But I wasn’t enough for you, huh? You left me to take care of them - _alone._ There was no one I could to turn who knew what I’d been through. These past few months I’ve been…” The next part comes out like a whisper, like a prayer: “I feel like I’m not even alive anymore, Clarke.”

Bellamy couldn’t see anymore; everything was blurry and wet. His hands are fists shaking at his sides. _“Say something!”_

He’s panting now, taking ragged breaths. His face is sticky; his mouth tastes like salt. He doesn’t know what to do. He hasn’t known what to do since she left. He’s been lost since, since she _left-_

“I still get nightmares-”

“And you think we don’t?” He snaps at her. “Every waking moment is a nightmare for us, Clarke.”

She doesn’t speak again until she’s sure he won’t snap again.

“You gave me forgiveness when I left,” she says this time, “and that meant so much you have no idea, but I couldn’t forgive myself - I _still_ can’t.” Her voice cracks at her next words, “I missed you everyday, Bellamy. I wanted to go back to you - to all of you once I sorted myself out, and there were a few times I thought: “maybe, tomorrow, I’ll head home.” And then tomorrow came, and I thought: “would they even want me to come back, after I’ve left?”

He wipes the tears from his eyes and he can see that her’s are filled with them as well. That’s when she looks like the Clarke he knew again.

“I’m dancing and smiling just they don’t look on me with pity - so that their looks don’t remind me of all of you,” she says, “it’s no way a reflection of how I feel, of how I’m hurting.”

Bellamy’s legs are shaking. He’s- _he’s-_

“You’re not the only one who has been living a half-life, Bellamy.”

He grabs onto her shoulder and pulls her to him as his knees buckle. She’s supporting their weight - albeit barely - as he cries into the crook of her neck.

“Don’t- don’t leave again,” he splutters as he tightens his hold around her.

“I won’t, Bellamy,” she sobs, “I won’t, not again.”

And Clarke’s knees buckle and Bellamy has no idea how long they stayed like that - on the ground, sobbing, in each others arms - but however long it was, it wasn’t long enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Do I feel better after writing that? No, not at all.
> 
> come hang out over on [tumblr](http://bellakeyblake.tumblr.com)!


End file.
